I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
