My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
