My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
