Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
