yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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