her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Randomize
