so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
