A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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