they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
