I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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