Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
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