I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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