Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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