Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
