my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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