Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
