ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
