we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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