not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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