I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
