Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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