based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
