Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
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It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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