Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
