The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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