Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
