So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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