so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
