Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
