nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
