Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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