on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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