Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
