John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
