i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
