I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
