i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
