Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
