U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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