I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
