don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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