Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
