You're my little dorito
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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