My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
