Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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