I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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