I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
