I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
