They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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