OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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