new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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