You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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