STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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