My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
