sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
