my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
