God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
