At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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